How I Date (the slightly inconvenient therapist way)

19 June 2026 · 5 min read

Three things I do differently from the start. Because for me, dating isn’t about finding the “perfect” person. It’s about building something real with someone imperfect and human. Which means this probably isn’t your typical dating advice, but it may be the kind that actually helps create a healthy relationship.

1. I don’t try to seem easy

I’m as real and as vulnerable as I can be, as early as I can be.

Not in a “here’s my entire life story on date one” kind of way because no one needs emotional word vomiting with their first drink. But I’m also not toning myself down to be more palatable.

The thing is that if you present a curated version of yourself, you don’t build connection, you build a performance. And performances are exhausting to maintain. At some point, the real you shows up anyway. And then you’re a few months in, thinking: “How did I end up here?”

So I’d rather be a little too much, a little too honest, a little too “me” from the start. Not polished and far from perfect but real.

Because if someone can’t meet you there early on, they’re not going to magically develop that capacity later. This isn’t about the wrong timing, it’s about the wrong fit.

2. I don’t care if we fight - I care how we repair

Conflict is not the problem. Avoiding it clearly is and so is handling it badly. Not coming back from it is. Most of us didn’t learn this growing up. We learned how to avoid, adapt, or keep the peace but not how to repair.

So yes, early on, I will try to figure out: How does this person deal with conflict? And more importantly, I’ll watch. Do they shut down? Get defensive? Blame? Disappear? Or can they pause, come back, and actually talk? Sit in the discomfort long enough for something real to happen.

Because the ability to repair and to find your way back to each other after things get messy is what makes or breaks a relationship. You can have great chemistry, exciting shared interests, fabulous sex and still fail here. Everything else is negotiable. However, this is not.

And if a relationship has zero conflict? That’s not a green flag. That’s data (and a possible topic for another blog article).

3. I care way more about values than chemistry

Shared interests are nice. Shared values are essential.

What actually matters to you? How do you want to live your life? What are you building towards?

Because you can love someone deeply and still be fundamentally incompatible. I’ve seen it. I’ve lived it. And that gap doesn’t shrink over time, it widens.

So yes, I’ll take the time to understand that early. I’m less interested in “screening” people and more interested in being honest about where this is going. Because clarity is kinder than building a connection on assumptions and hoping the important differences disappear.

And for those of us who value intimacy: yes, that spark matters. But desire fluctuates and so do tastes, preferences, and what your body needs at different stages of life. That’s not a crisis, it’s perfectly normal. And in a healthy relationship, it’s something you can navigate together.

So those are my three: Be real. Make sure you can repair. And check if you’re actually walking in the same direction. Everything else? You can figure out along the way.

Self check-in: Be honest, which of these do you usually avoid?

Side note and plot twist or why knowing better doesn’t mean doing better

Here’s the inconvenient and humbling part. I do this for a living and I still mess it up.

I teach good communication and repair. I can spot patterns in other people’s relationships within minutes. And in my own? I still get defensive. I still shut down. I still catch myself reacting instead of staying curious.

Just the other day, I was in a conversation with my partner and could feel it happening in real time. I was doing exactly the thing I tell my clients not to do. And part of me was like: “Really? This is your job. People pay you for this!” Very on brand…

What I’ve learned however, is that having the tools doesn’t mean you stop struggling. It means you recognise what’s happening faster. You can name it and you can catch it. And eventually, you can choose differently. Not perfectly. Just differently.

My credibility doesn’t come from having a flawless relationship. I don’t believe that exists. It comes from being willing to do the work. Especially when it’s uncomfortable. Especially when I’m the one who needs to apologise. Especially when I’d honestly rather just avoid the whole thing.

So if you’re sitting there thinking, “I know what I should do, so why is this still so hard?” Welcome to the club. That’s not failure. That’s the human condition. Knowing better doesn’t automatically mean doing better. It just means you get another chance to choose differently next time. And the next. And the one after that…

Maybe the point isn’t to get it right all the time. Maybe it’s to stay connected exactly in the moments where your instinct is to shut down, pull away, or protect yourself.

That’s the uncomfortable bit. And also that’s where relationships actually begin. Not when it’s easy, but when it would be easier to disconnect and you don’t.